Untitled: A Poem

Weeping suffocates the ever-beating heart

Gasping for air underneath the sensation of despair

The boards creak slowly under the changing pressure

A touch of gentle warmth stops the pain

While whispered nothings distract from the gnawing

Cool breezes quickly disappear underneath

Slowly tasting and pulling the energy within

Blissfully unaware of the suffocating beats

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A Long Awaited Return

It’s been over a year since I’ve written a post. So much has happened. I started this in an effort to overcome my fear of being vulnerable. While it may have seemed just my vulnerability of having others read my writing, it went much deeper than that. In this past year, truths were exposed that I had never imagined would have seen the light of day. People have been hurt. Consequences dealt. Now I sit here over a year later to reflect, ready to return to my writing. I had been making excuses as to why I couldn’t write, but truth is the same as it always has been, my fear of vulnerability. So I might as well just put it all out there, and let those who want to judge, judge. Feel free to be judge, jury, and executioner in your opinion of me, of my stories, my poetry. I am now in a place where I have accepted that it doesn’t matter what I do, someone somewhere will be disappointed and hurt.

So where do I start? Do I start with the decision I made almost two years ago to involve myself with someone who was not mine to be with? Or flash forward to present day where I am happily engaged and a mother? There’s quite a story in between these moments of time. I think that story is better left for another day. I don’t want to live in the past, I don’t need to relive it over and over again. It’s time to move forward and let the past rest where it is. So maybe another day, another time, I’ll tell the story of two years. Until then, you’ll have to suffer with the anticipation.

What I can tell you is what tonight was like for me. I have a beautiful, almost two month old, baby girl sleeping in the other room. As I laid her down in her crib tonight, I was overcome with so many feelings and emotions. Her father, my fiance, is at work. He’ll be home soon, and my little family will be complete again, until tomorrow when he goes back to work. I’m sitting on the floor in my living room, with my puppy and three cats all asleep. I’m the only creature awake, and I’m consumed by emotions. There is an all encompassing love that I feel when I look at the family I’ve created. A joy that I feel knowing that there is a precious child that was created out of pure love. While she came into our life earlier than planned (in more than one way!), she was meant to be here. There is no denying that I am completely enamored by this child. The love I have for her has only made the love I feel for my fiance even stronger. So, while I am consumed by emotion, I’m going to do what I always did in the past when I felt anything. I will write. Maybe a poem. Maybe a short story. Maybe on a work of fiction I’ve started already. Who knows. Anything is possible. All I know is now I have two muses. How lucky am I?

Green Poison: A Poem

Jarring splintered pieces of broken glass

Eradicates the beating pulse within her chest

Aching desires consume her thoughts

Longing for something slipping through her hands

On the edge of balancing a tormented pose

Unaware of the green poison flowing in her veins

Secret wishes burn the last pieces of her mind

Yearning for his gentle touch, the only way to save her soul

Untitled : A Poem

Lamenting hearts scorned by prior experiences unaware of their lack of choice

Obstacles afoot, lain out across the cracking glass floor where the fall is fast

Volatile passion erupts, spilling sultry ash across the twilight sky

Entwined bodies consume the fires of desire as their souls became one

The Moment It Changed

Today was a day like any other, until it wasn’t. My morning started of wonderfully, sipping coffee, snuggling with the main man in my life which is my cat Dante, and watching the TV show Castle from the beginning after seeing how much someone close to me really enjoyed it. It was a perfect Sunday morning, well almost perfect because I can think of one thing that would have made it perfect. It was as good as it was going to get though, until I got that message that set me off. There’s a reason my phone’s text tone for this person is “I have a bad feeling about this”. Yes, it’s my own fault since I reached out to this person yesterday, and I suppose I should expect the response I received, but nonetheless it set me off. So I turned to you, and you were there for me. For the first time in a long time I finally got everything I was feeling about the situation off my chest while you just read every word. Nothing needed to be said back, just knowing I could turn to you meant more than I could possibly express in words, and we all know my love of words, so that’s truly saying something. Yet while I thought I had gotten it all out, I realized that I only got out that portion. There was a whole other side bothering me, a side I didn’t even truly realize or consider until the weight was lifted from what I had told you. It didn’t truly dawn on me the other emotions I was feeling towards others in my life until I saw something on Facebook. It hadn’t been the first time I saw something that upset me, but it was like an epiphany this time. Since I was no longer focused on the draining energy of ignoring my feelings, I finally saw that all those words that they’ve spoken to me were lies. Maybe in the moment they meant them and they felt them, but they sure as hell have done everything to disprove them. Oh I understand the whys of it, truly I do, but that doesn’t change the hurt that any of you caused. I have always believed in accepting people as they are, knowing that people always change because of the experiences that they go through in life. So I tend to give unconditionally, care unconditionally, and love unconditionally.  I try and stick to my words because for me my words are large part of me. I express myself through my words. There is only so far I can go though. There is only so much disappointment and hurt that I am willing to subject myself to when it becomes painstakingly obvious that others did not and do not share the same unconditionality they had once claimed to. So, I’ve done what I’ve had to today in order to move forward in my life. I let go of the tight grip of the past, and have placed one foot in front of the other to move towards the people in my life who have proven their words to me. So, thank you to those who have been there, who have listened while I’ve hurt, cried, yelled, screamed, and felt defeated. Thank you to those who have shown me that being myself is perfectly okay. Thank you to those who let me vent about whatever is bothering me, and trying to help me through whatever it maybe.  I’ve been through a lot, I’ve had a lot of ups and downs, but through it all I have always tried to maintain the most positive outlook I can. Everything in my life has happened for a reason, and while the bigger picture may be fuzzy and unclear, I can see with certainty that I hold you near and dear and will always remember the countless times you’ve been there for me, telling me to stop apologizing for venting, telling me the honest truth, and showing me that I made the right choice. You may not know how I mean that, what choice and how was it right, and that is neither here nor there. I have found some awesome people in my life that I can count on, and I’ve realized that time changes everything and everyone. Choices made, decisions followed through on, yes it can change your world. It can cause those in your world to question you, but if these people care unconditionally, then it won’t matter because they will accept you as you are. That’s the key – accepting people for who they are, no matter what. My only problem is I do have fear that one day the people in my life now who care unconditionally won’t anymore. I’m afraid of trusting too deeply again, but I’m going to do it. I’m going to let those of you who have shown me and been there for me in. I hope that you know that I’m always here for you if you ever need to vent, yell, cry, scream, or anything. I’m not going anywhere because I care for you unconditionally too.

Ask Me Anything

I’m in one of those moods today. Oh no, not a bad mood. Quite the opposite actually. I’m in a carefree, tell it like it is, I don’t give a fuck type of mood. Typically I don’t have a filter on the things that I say, but today, well I feel inclined to answer any question someone may ask me. I think most people would hesitate to say to answer any question someone may ask them out of fear of having to be honest. You’ve got no idea what someone may ask you, so to put yourself out there and to be vulnerable; well most people avoid that at all costs. In the past, I have done this on a one on one basis where I told the person to ask me anything and I would answer it honestly. It was one of the most exhilarating experiences because this person got to know the real me, not some pretense or portrait I painted for the world. Nope, I let this person into a part of me that I normally kept hidden away, and I think it was one of the best decisions I ever made because it created a trust and bond that I have never truly experienced before. People hide behind fear, so concerned about how the world perceives them instead of looking at themselves and truly deciding who they are. This all relates back to the idea that most people don’t truly want honesty. That people are only as honest as they need to be in order to get by in life. Similarly, most people will take the easy way out instead of traveling down the rougher road, even if the rougher road will ultimately lead to a better life. Is it just fear that holds people back? No, of course not. You have some who prefer the comfort of what they know – but then technically they fear the unknown. There are all different reasons for taking the easy road, but I’ve decided a while ago that the easy road isn’t worth it. Oh I could have taken it, and I did take it up to a certain point. But then one day, my life changed. I realized that I was harming others by being selfish and taking the easy road. Instead of facing my fears, I was choosing comfort. It seems I have digressed from the original point of this post. I think that every now and then you should let people ask you any question they may have and answer them honestly. You shouldn’t fear their reaction because if they truly care unconditionally, the answer won’t matter. If they don’t truly care unconditionally, then isn’t it better to know now before you are hurt down the road? So, today is my day. If you’re reading this, and you have question that you want to ask that you want my complete honesty on – feel free to ask me. Just remember, I will be honest so don’t ask something you don’t want the answer to. I do have to say, that there are questions I wish you would ask, things that I wish I could tell you but won’t unless prompted. Well, time to find out if it’s unconditional or not.

Maybe If I Were: A Poem

Maybe if I were

 

            The stars in the night sky dancing around like fireflies

 

Maybe if I were

 

            Autumn leaves bound by the sap of a Maple tree

 

Maybe if I were

 

            A cool summer breeze gently caressing your skin

 

Maybe if I were

 

            The colorful hues of a setting sun over a golden beach

 

Maybe if I were

 

            Your favorite pair of running shoes taking you to new distances

 

Maybe if I were

 

            A cold beer pressed against your lips, drinking me in sip by sip

 

Maybe if I were

 

            The sensation of the winning play to your favorite game

 

Maybe if I were

 

            Lyrics to a hauntingly seductive melody that courses through your veins

 

Maybe if I were

 

            Worn binding of your favorite book, the one you always take a second look

 

Maybe if I were

 

            The letters on this page, making the words come to life

 

Maybe if I were

 

            All of these and so much more

 

                        There’d be a fighting chance of winning this war

 

Oh, Surprise Surprise…

I thought I was at a point where I could say that not much in life surprises me, but I’m finding that there are still people in my life, or on the outskirts of my life, that continue to surprise me. Maybe it’s because I thought I’ve seen it all, heard it all, and been through it all. I believed in my own preconceived notion that I couldn’t be surprised any further. Some of the surprises have been good, great even. Others, well they have been disappointing and leading towards confrontation that I am inevitably trying to avoid. I have to say one of the most pleasant of surprises, even though the topic of conversation is one that causes deep emotional pain and turmoil, is the honesty in which I’ve been able to speak with you these last few days. More than that, it’s the honesty I’ve received back from you, even if you think it’s not what I want to hear or if you think you’re being harsh. The purity and honesty from you is the one of the most beautiful gifts you could give me, regardless of the topic. Your opinions, your feelings, your truths, make me realize more and more that is why I trust so much to you. If I ever thought to call a friend one of my companions, yes you’d be one of the first I’d think of. Scratch that, you know as well as I do you’d be the first one I thought of. Then there is another you who has been on the outskirt of my life for the last few months, yet telling me today you were still around. Well, that was a surprise to me. I wasn’t expecting to see your words on my screen with that meaning. Internally I still debate how to respond, because you see I’ve missed you so but I’m afraid that you’ll go away again and leave me without the friend I’ve known for so many years. That’s my own personal fear though. But my fears, they can take a hold of me and sometimes cause me to become stuck in one place, unable to move forward or unable to let go. You would know all about me being unable to let go, being unable to respect the future, being unable to move past it all. It’s a weakness in me, please forgive me. I try, truly I try, but I can’t say it’s a weakness I’ll ever be able to let go off. Now, as for the you who have disappointed me, well I’m no good with confrontation so you’ve got to believe I can’t even write about it for the world to see. I have to find the strength in me to tell you what you’ve been doing is unacceptable and not how a friend would be. I’ve tried to just ignore, but I can’t do that anymore. So I am continuously learning that people will always find a way to surprise you, especially when you least expect it. I used to hate surprises, but I’m finding that, as usual, it is my lack of control that I dislike. So, keep the surprises coming. Show me all of the wonderful things that I’ve been overlooking, thinking that I’ve seen it all. When it comes down to it, I’ve barely scratched the surface of you. I’m ready to dive in deep.

Entwined Ending: A Poem

Lace entwined rope

Burning, causing smoke

Harsh breathes

Fast beats

Sweat drips

Fanning flames

Engulfed in pain

Bound together

Pulling apart

Desire shifts

My king of hearts

It’s not the same

Better still

It all remains

Honest truths

Quiet motions

Saline oceans

Gentle touches

Butterfly kisses

Evolving choices

Purest of voices

Nervous glances

Sweet mistakes

Always mending

Foreseen conclusion

Never doubting

A happy ending

Counterfeit View: A Poem

Shattered pieces of reflective glass portray a counterfeit version of you

Only you are unable to see, so you believe this fake portrait is truth

Fear permeates your soul as you continue down the rabbit hole

You struggle against the chains you’ve created in your mind

Guilt crashes around and unbound as waves crash against a rocky coast

Villianizing yourself to me thinking that I can’t see clearly

You’ve got preconceived notions you think I believe

I can see through the broken pieces and your kaleidoscope of colors shine through

There’s a clarity in my mind, a truth that I’ve always known

I’ll piece together your bloodstained, saline slivers

It’s time I show you the inaccuracies of your own view