Oh, Surprise Surprise…

I thought I was at a point where I could say that not much in life surprises me, but I’m finding that there are still people in my life, or on the outskirts of my life, that continue to surprise me. Maybe it’s because I thought I’ve seen it all, heard it all, and been through it all. I believed in my own preconceived notion that I couldn’t be surprised any further. Some of the surprises have been good, great even. Others, well they have been disappointing and leading towards confrontation that I am inevitably trying to avoid. I have to say one of the most pleasant of surprises, even though the topic of conversation is one that causes deep emotional pain and turmoil, is the honesty in which I’ve been able to speak with you these last few days. More than that, it’s the honesty I’ve received back from you, even if you think it’s not what I want to hear or if you think you’re being harsh. The purity and honesty from you is the one of the most beautiful gifts you could give me, regardless of the topic. Your opinions, your feelings, your truths, make me realize more and more that is why I trust so much to you. If I ever thought to call a friend one of my companions, yes you’d be one of the first I’d think of. Scratch that, you know as well as I do you’d be the first one I thought of. Then there is another you who has been on the outskirt of my life for the last few months, yet telling me today you were still around. Well, that was a surprise to me. I wasn’t expecting to see your words on my screen with that meaning. Internally I still debate how to respond, because you see I’ve missed you so but I’m afraid that you’ll go away again and leave me without the friend I’ve known for so many years. That’s my own personal fear though. But my fears, they can take a hold of me and sometimes cause me to become stuck in one place, unable to move forward or unable to let go. You would know all about me being unable to let go, being unable to respect the future, being unable to move past it all. It’s a weakness in me, please forgive me. I try, truly I try, but I can’t say it’s a weakness I’ll ever be able to let go off. Now, as for the you who have disappointed me, well I’m no good with confrontation so you’ve got to believe I can’t even write about it for the world to see. I have to find the strength in me to tell you what you’ve been doing is unacceptable and not how a friend would be. I’ve tried to just ignore, but I can’t do that anymore. So I am continuously learning that people will always find a way to surprise you, especially when you least expect it. I used to hate surprises, but I’m finding that, as usual, it is my lack of control that I dislike. So, keep the surprises coming. Show me all of the wonderful things that I’ve been overlooking, thinking that I’ve seen it all. When it comes down to it, I’ve barely scratched the surface of you. I’m ready to dive in deep.

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