It’s been over a year since I’ve written a post. So much has happened. I started this in an effort to overcome my fear of being vulnerable. While it may have seemed just my vulnerability of having others read my writing, it went much deeper than that. In this past year, truths were exposed that I had never imagined would have seen the light of day. People have been hurt. Consequences dealt. Now I sit here over a year later to reflect, ready to return to my writing. I had been making excuses as to why I couldn’t write, but truth is the same as it always has been, my fear of vulnerability. So I might as well just put it all out there, and let those who want to judge, judge. Feel free to be judge, jury, and executioner in your opinion of me, of my stories, my poetry. I am now in a place where I have accepted that it doesn’t matter what I do, someone somewhere will be disappointed and hurt.
So where do I start? Do I start with the decision I made almost two years ago to involve myself with someone who was not mine to be with? Or flash forward to present day where I am happily engaged and a mother? There’s quite a story in between these moments of time. I think that story is better left for another day. I don’t want to live in the past, I don’t need to relive it over and over again. It’s time to move forward and let the past rest where it is. So maybe another day, another time, I’ll tell the story of two years. Until then, you’ll have to suffer with the anticipation.
What I can tell you is what tonight was like for me. I have a beautiful, almost two month old, baby girl sleeping in the other room. As I laid her down in her crib tonight, I was overcome with so many feelings and emotions. Her father, my fiance, is at work. He’ll be home soon, and my little family will be complete again, until tomorrow when he goes back to work. I’m sitting on the floor in my living room, with my puppy and three cats all asleep. I’m the only creature awake, and I’m consumed by emotions. There is an all encompassing love that I feel when I look at the family I’ve created. A joy that I feel knowing that there is a precious child that was created out of pure love. While she came into our life earlier than planned (in more than one way!), she was meant to be here. There is no denying that I am completely enamored by this child. The love I have for her has only made the love I feel for my fiance even stronger. So, while I am consumed by emotion, I’m going to do what I always did in the past when I felt anything. I will write. Maybe a poem. Maybe a short story. Maybe on a work of fiction I’ve started already. Who knows. Anything is possible. All I know is now I have two muses. How lucky am I?