Stepping Back: A Poem

Maybe I’m just insecure but we’ve been here so many times before

I can feel the subtle differences in your ever-shifting moods

You pull back and the cold surrounds me in the middle of our heat wave

I stand back afraid to cross the path to you

The glass is cracking and I might just slip through

Yet it all seems worth it if only I could reach out to you

You’re like a mirage, a figment only I can see

You’re taking twenty steps back and away from me

Scared of everything that this could be

The walls are up; I’ve watched you put them there, brick by brick

Words and actions contradict

I’m trying not to lose my grip but I fear I’ve slipped

I’ve kept my feelings to myself

Something I swore I wouldn’t do again

And this secret is a heavy burden but one I am more than willing to bare

My friend I just need to know your choice

Don’t be afraid to use your voice

The decision has always been yours to make

Whichever path you choose, I’ll follow it too

Change your course in the middle if you want to,

Take the lead my friend

I’ll be there to comfort you in the end

 

Is it harder to leave or to be left behind?

I was listening to a new song today, and one of the lines really struck a chord with me. Is it harder to leave or to be left behind? I’ve thought about this before I heard it in the song, but it really took over my mind today. I guess the answer depends on the situation. I’d think it’s only hard to leave if your heart doesn’t really want to leave. On the flip side, I’d think it’d be harder to be left behind if you truly love the person who is walking away. But, what if, the person leaving loves the person they are leaving in the same way. I think in that circumstance it’s hard to be either one. To walk away from a love so divine, so deep, knowing that it just may never come to be. To be left behind, wondering if any of your decisions could have affect the outcome, wondering if there was anything else you could have done to make the relationship come to fruition. Either way there is pain. Either way, both people are left questioning. I’ve heard before that the truest sign that you love some one is to let them go. To walk away. To be selfless to them and let them move on with their life. How do you give up on a love like though? That doesn’t make sense to me. Yet I suppose I really can’t say. I’ve been the one to walk away, and it was one of the hardest decisions I made. I’m sure that the person I left feels it was harder for them. Shouldn’t you fight for love? Nothing worth having was easy to have because then you wouldn’t appreciate it the same way. So wouldn’t that apply to love? You have to fight for the one you love, not walk away and leave them behind. I suppose that is just my philosophy though. The more I think about it though, the more I realize that maybe it comes down to strength. You need to have strength to walk away from some one you care deeply about when there is no good reason. I’d have to say I’m selfish and weak then because if I truly care about someone, I don’t think I could just walk away from them. No, I think I would end up being the one left behind in dust, crying in dark quiet corners of my home. A heartbreak like that, well, it changes person.

 

Beneath: A Poem

The open road beneath my feet

 

The soft crinkle of sun baked grass

 

Wind swirling around, enclosing me in unseen glass

 

A sense of urgency pushing me through,

 

Accomplishing more than I set out to

 

Competition within my bones

 

Running for my soul

 

A pounding head changed this

 

Trapped without an escape

 

Missing the freedom I left in my wake

 

Pain coursing through my veins

 

Thinking of a memory that is running away

 

Everyday we make decisions that impact the course of our life, but we don’t really think about them. Most of us are creatures of comfort, afraid of change, afraid to follow our hearts, afraid to really go after what we desire, so the decisions we make typically lack thought because we decide based on what will keep us in our comfort zone. I stopped living my life like this; I realized that comfort did not equal happiness in my life. The decisions I have made since have all been carefully thought over and debated. I have tried to trust in my gut and follow my heart, even though most of the time my head is in complete disagreement. Internally I struggle on a daily basis, trying to walk the fine line of road I’m on. I’ve come to realize that I am selfish, not selfless. I’m weak, not strong. This is because I am human, I’m not a machine. Lately I have found that it has become harder to follow my heart. I’ve found that my heart is barely beating because it is cracking. Perhaps that is a good thing though, because I am living my life without regret and in the pursuit of my own happiness. I’ve had people hurt me, cut me to my core, and they were only able to do that because I let them into my heart. My head has a tendency to overthink all of the decisions I make. At any given moment, I can feel the war between the analytical, safe-seeking mind and the carefree, adventurous heart. When the war is full blown and I can’t decide which to listen to, I think about the decision in a different light. I think, what if my children came to me and told me the problem and asked my advice, what would I tell them? I know exactly what I would tell them, follow your heart and do what makes you happy. Don’t settle for anything less. I try to keep this perspective, I try to let myself feel the happiness, but there are days that I cry in the quiet darkness of my home. In order to follow my heart and seek out my happiness, I have to deal with a certain amount of pain. There is no light without darkness. In order to fully appreciate the happiness, there is pain. It makes one more appreciative of the happy moments. The thing is, at some point, I know that the pain is going to outweigh the happiness I feel. Someday, the days I cry silently where no one can hear me or see me will out way the smiles. It’s no one’s fault, that’s the road I’m on right now. That is the cost of the happiness I have in these moments. I keep this happiness close to me, I keep it secretly in my heart, and regardless of the trouble it may ultimately leave me in, I know that it’s worth it. I know that decisions I’m making are not based on comfort, but on the desire to try and be happy. Truly happy. I want to walk down my path in life with no regrets. Is comfort really worth settling and giving up true happiness? I didn’t think so, but everyone has a different opinion. I guess it really isn’t my place to dictate to you how to live your life, I’m not the one that has to live it.

The Beauty in Words

Rarely I will read words that have a beauty within them that is more than literal word. Only three people have ever heard me utter the words, your words were beautiful. It’s a compliment I don’t give lightly. Maybe it’s because of my love of literature that makes me look at words in a different light than others. The beauty of words is more than the word itself, it’s more than the sentence structure, it’s more than the context and the meaning the writer intended for the reader to find. It’s more than the meaning that reader actually gets from the words, because let’s be honest, what the writer intends the meaning to be and the perceived meaning are often two different things. The beauty of one’s words, for me, comes from the emotion within them. It’s when one writes from their soul, exposing a part of them in such a manner that you can see that person within those words. It’s all of it. It’s the word choice used, it’s the meanings, the context and subtext, it’s the emotions, it’s the raw part of your soul you expose to another. It isn’t a story, a fictional plot, an everyday day occurrence. It’s written truth that you write and show someone. When I see the beauty in words, I see so much, but mostly importantly I see the honor of being let into a special part of a person’s being, a person’s soul. To me, writing is an intimate process, especially when you’re writing about something that means something to you, such as your feelings and emotions. There are few people who are able to not only eloquently write what they are thinking, but are also able to put themselves in their words. Those words are what I find beautiful and I am thankful for the three people who have touched my own soul through the beauty of their words.

It’s Been a Few Days But This Is All I Can Say

I haven’t really written a lot over the last few days, partly because I immersed myself in other activities and partly because I wasn’t ready to face some of the emotions I have been feeling. I’m still not ready to face them, it’s a constant war over my soul. How can you ever know if you’re making the right decision? There really isn’t way to tell, you just fumble along hoping that you’re on the path you belong. Although some will call some of my decisions – mistakes – I won’t, I don’t, and I can’t. A mistake implies the idea of being wrong or misguided. I feel my decisions were the right decisions. I don’t regret them or feel that they are mistakes. Perhaps the situations surrounding them could be more desirable, but life, as I have come to realize, isn’t always fair and sometimes you need to just follow your instinct. There’s so much I want to express to you, so much I wish I could just get off of my chest and out into the open, but I know we don’t have that type of blogging relationship yet. All I can truly say is that I’ve welcomed trouble into my life, and in truth, it was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. My life will never be the same since that moment occurred, and I wouldn’t want to go back to life before. So, I’ll walk this path I’m on, destined to magnetism of push and pull.  I’ll continue to try to find the balance, all the while hoping that the path I truly want to be a part of merges with the path I am currently on. I don’t fear what could be. While you might, I will continue with my little white lies in order to deter your fears. I’ll keep it all inside, unexposed, until the moment is right.

In Not So Plain Sight

I’ve learned that we all hide. What we hide from and what we hide behind may vary from person to person, but inevitably, we all hide. I hid my words, I hid my feelings and emotions, and there are days where I still hide, too scared and afraid of what damage might be done if I take a step out into the light. So I hide behind a thin veil that some have been able to see through easily, but they give me the dignity of hiding. It’s in the moments of pure honesty, where no pretenses occur, where acceptance is a given, those moments are the moments to live for. But yet, to have those moments, you need to be able to take a step out from the cover you’ve taken and stop hiding. I’ve made slight attempts at this, mostly by creating this blog and letting everyone see my words and my feelings. But, I’m still hiding. Case in point – I wrote a long, emotionally filled blog post yesterday, but I am too afraid to post it. I’m not ready yet to reveal myself and take the covers away. So, I’ll lay here in the sweltering heat with the covers wrapped around me because I’m not ready to be exposed to you. Oh yes, there are some of you that I’d reveal it all to, some who I have no desire to have a pretense with or at one point didn’t have a pretense, but even there I have fear. While I contemplate the covers I have myself under, I wait in wonder to see if one of you will reveal yourself to me, come out from the hiding, and tell me something that you’ve feared to express. I promise, I won’t bite. Maybe that’s not what you fear, maybe you fear judgment, nope none of that here. Oh, judgment isn’t what you fear? Maybe you fear that the moment you utter what you’ve been hiding that it will become real, well, you know what I mean. There will be no turning back.  I suppose it is selfish and hypocritical of me to expect you to come out from your hiding place when I’ve openly admitted to being unable to walk out from mine. I hope you know I do choose my words carefully in every conversation. Yes, I am the person who has meanings within meanings, and as you get to know me, you’ll see them all.  If you already know me, then I’m sure you’ve found the meanings I’ve been hiding all along.

Hearts: A Poem

Her heart is gone from her chest, stolen in a moment of time

It is now held tenderly in his hands

It beats only when he is near, and stalls when he is far

He tries to give it back, but is unable to part with the beauty

She stands before him, wanting to hold his heart in her hands

She wants to show him how she can protect his heart

Heal the damage of prior lacerations

She continues to wait for the moment of time

When he trusts his heart to her

As her heart beats in his hands, she begins to understand

Love is more than an emotion, more than a feeling

It’s the moment when doing for another fulfills you completely

Though the pain can consume her in the darkness

She sees the light in his eyes, which bathes her in peace

No doubts on the path she follows because she follows her heart

Wherever her heart goes, which is forever in his hands

Memories: A Poem

It’s nights like these that take hold in memory

Etched like a heart carved in a tree

The moon and stars so close to me

The warm embrace surrounds

Never daring to make a sound

The silent chirps of a beating heart

I can see you sitting there

Gazing upon me with that knowing stare

Distance is between us

And my imagination plays a trick on me

A fleeting moment, a fading memory

It’s nothing compared this fragile state

The autumn leaves are carelessly a flutter

The last time I checked it was summer

The mind takes hold as the heart fights for control

Time is the ultimate authority

As I start to shiver with the winter breeze

This path is winding round the bend of the seasons

A Story About a Girl: Part II

There was a witch you see, and what a bitch was she. That boy was the witch’s toy, so the girl she would try to destroy. Scheming and plotting went afoot while she decided which course would work. The boy knew the witch would try to keep his girl from him, but he decided to fight for the love in his heart. He crept about the witch’s place trying to figure out the choice she had made. It was worse than what he cold fear, he never sensed her grow near. You see, the witch decided to lock him in her place so he would be unable to escape. She looked at him and said, “You’d never be rid of me that easy.” Panic and fear rose inside him, aware he’d be unable to protect his girl. His head screamed at him, “This is why you should never have left” while his heart defended his every choice. Poe would understand: they loved with a love that was more than love. That was why his heart ended up in his hand. He wrestled back and forth with ways to escape; the danger to her was just too great. The witch began her toiling trouble, mixing a spell that began to bubble. Incantations filled the air, and all he could feel was despair. He knew his girl would come for him; she’d never leave his life behind. That was the trap, and now the witch laid in wait. What did the girl do you say? Be patient, you’ll see she may have found a way.