The Moment It Changed

Today was a day like any other, until it wasn’t. My morning started of wonderfully, sipping coffee, snuggling with the main man in my life which is my cat Dante, and watching the TV show Castle from the beginning after seeing how much someone close to me really enjoyed it. It was a perfect Sunday morning, well almost perfect because I can think of one thing that would have made it perfect. It was as good as it was going to get though, until I got that message that set me off. There’s a reason my phone’s text tone for this person is “I have a bad feeling about this”. Yes, it’s my own fault since I reached out to this person yesterday, and I suppose I should expect the response I received, but nonetheless it set me off. So I turned to you, and you were there for me. For the first time in a long time I finally got everything I was feeling about the situation off my chest while you just read every word. Nothing needed to be said back, just knowing I could turn to you meant more than I could possibly express in words, and we all know my love of words, so that’s truly saying something. Yet while I thought I had gotten it all out, I realized that I only got out that portion. There was a whole other side bothering me, a side I didn’t even truly realize or consider until the weight was lifted from what I had told you. It didn’t truly dawn on me the other emotions I was feeling towards others in my life until I saw something on Facebook. It hadn’t been the first time I saw something that upset me, but it was like an epiphany this time. Since I was no longer focused on the draining energy of ignoring my feelings, I finally saw that all those words that they’ve spoken to me were lies. Maybe in the moment they meant them and they felt them, but they sure as hell have done everything to disprove them. Oh I understand the whys of it, truly I do, but that doesn’t change the hurt that any of you caused. I have always believed in accepting people as they are, knowing that people always change because of the experiences that they go through in life. So I tend to give unconditionally, care unconditionally, and love unconditionally.  I try and stick to my words because for me my words are large part of me. I express myself through my words. There is only so far I can go though. There is only so much disappointment and hurt that I am willing to subject myself to when it becomes painstakingly obvious that others did not and do not share the same unconditionality they had once claimed to. So, I’ve done what I’ve had to today in order to move forward in my life. I let go of the tight grip of the past, and have placed one foot in front of the other to move towards the people in my life who have proven their words to me. So, thank you to those who have been there, who have listened while I’ve hurt, cried, yelled, screamed, and felt defeated. Thank you to those who have shown me that being myself is perfectly okay. Thank you to those who let me vent about whatever is bothering me, and trying to help me through whatever it maybe.  I’ve been through a lot, I’ve had a lot of ups and downs, but through it all I have always tried to maintain the most positive outlook I can. Everything in my life has happened for a reason, and while the bigger picture may be fuzzy and unclear, I can see with certainty that I hold you near and dear and will always remember the countless times you’ve been there for me, telling me to stop apologizing for venting, telling me the honest truth, and showing me that I made the right choice. You may not know how I mean that, what choice and how was it right, and that is neither here nor there. I have found some awesome people in my life that I can count on, and I’ve realized that time changes everything and everyone. Choices made, decisions followed through on, yes it can change your world. It can cause those in your world to question you, but if these people care unconditionally, then it won’t matter because they will accept you as you are. That’s the key – accepting people for who they are, no matter what. My only problem is I do have fear that one day the people in my life now who care unconditionally won’t anymore. I’m afraid of trusting too deeply again, but I’m going to do it. I’m going to let those of you who have shown me and been there for me in. I hope that you know that I’m always here for you if you ever need to vent, yell, cry, scream, or anything. I’m not going anywhere because I care for you unconditionally too.


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